Monday, May 17, 2010

Feeling a little down today

I'm feeling a little blue this Monday, and no, I'm not talking about the New Order song (did I just date myself again?). This happens every once in a while, particularly when I'm in the middle of something time consuming, such as we are with HBOT right now.

It all started with being around other kids with the boys.

At school, Kiki has a social skills group that meets once a week. One of the parents of this group reached out to all of us to see if we could and would be interested in getting together outside of school once a month. I think the idea was to naturally extend what happens at school with the boys, and to network amongst ourselves as parents.

And it's been very successful...for the other boys.

For Kiki, it just seems to highlight to me how very overwhelming being around other kids (particularly boys his age of 6/7) is for him. He wants to be a part of the group, but after a couple of minutes, it just gets too much and he segregates himself to the edges of the playground. *sigh*

Now, I know sometimes people feel sorry for me, particularly when they first meet us, because of the fact that we have not one, but two little boys with autism. But it's funny. I very rarely feel sorry for myself or our family. And the only times I do is when the Outside World intrudes.

Like when the Canadian Government at first refused to allow us to move temporarily to Canada for my husband's job because the of the boys' autism. Or the time Kiki got "asked to leave" (please read kicked out) on the first day of preschool because he wanted to play with the new toys and not go to Circle time (and so he screamed for 15 minutes when they took away all the cool toys). Or when I see both the boys with their typically developing peers and realize just how different, and how far behind, they are from those NT kids.

So here I was, last Sunday, sitting under a shady tree with Kiki, trying to get him to want to play with the other children, and feeling more than a tad sorry for myself. And, as I looked over at the other moms (who, let me just say here, are all incredibly nice and supportive people), I'm thinking, "These ladies don't work anywhere near as hard as I do to parent their children! Although their kids are in the social skills group alongside Kiki, their kids are doing soooo much better than mine."

They don't spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars a year on biomedical stuff and figure out new and creative ways to get vitamins and supplements into their boys. They don't surf the web endlessly for new research on autism and it's causes. They don't drive twice a day to the HBOT center 25 minutes each way. They don't have to constantly check themselves on whether or not they are being too imperative and prompting in their communication style.

It just doesn't seem fair sometimes.

Waaaaaaaaa!

I know. I know.
I'm being a whiny baby.
Toughen up, Sweetheart!
There are no promises in this world.
Life sucks, so get a helmet!

Pity party over. Back to work.

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